Congratulations¡ You've succeeded in altering the course of reality, sending it askew of what I was anticipating. This misalignment is not pleasing to me, and will result in me being in a depressed state for a period of a few days (or months).
If the reason you give is that you just don’t feel ready for a relationship at the moment. Don’t worry, that feeling will pass soon, when some other guy proposes to you and you say yes without hesitation. Or when another guy you say you have no interest in asks you out, and suddenly the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend.
So you’ve shunted me off into that “friend zone” of yours. Great¡ Is that what you do to all the guys who treat you like a human being? Seriously. Women say they want to be with a “nice guy,” but when such a guy (like myself) comes along, you say that you don’t see him as boyfriend material? How messed up is that? And when you come up to me, complaining about how you can’t seem to find that “Prince Charming” type who whisks you off to distant lands, where he confesses of his love to you and asks to be his fairy tale princess, do you know what I’m going to say? It’ll be something like this: “Snap out of it! Such a man does not exist, and in the off chance he actually does exist, I’m sure that there’s already a long line of women who would do anything to be his bride.” Then I’d point them to this article and let them know that the guy you're looking for has been here the whole time.
The future status of our relationship will depend on how long it has been since we first met, and how much emotionial investment I put into the relationship. If we’ve known each other for a long time, then it’s likely you’ve been leading me on. Bad. If I get the feeling the relationship may go somewhere (even if it doesn’t), I might invest a bit more emotional energy into the relationship than I would if I intended to be “just friends” with you, especially if you send me non-verbal signals indicating that you want to be more than “just friends” with me. If done the right way, at the right time, I might want to be friends with you. If done the wrong way, at the wrong time, the results are disastrous. If you send me signals of interest whenever we’re close by, and do so for an extended period of time, causing me to make a huge emotional investment, then drop the “let’s just be friends” bomb, you might as well rip my heart out of my chest, saying, “You won’t be needing this anymore,” because that’s how it will feel to me. That will take months, even years to heal. Once it does, why would I want to be friends with you?
Just be aware, if you place me in that so-called “friend zone,” in a way that is not as disastrous as I just described, I may just lay dormant — hopeful that some day, you just might change your mind. There have been many fruitful relationships that have sprouted in this manner.
Keep in mind that by the time you placed me in the “friend zone,” the seeds of a relationship have been planted. The seeds may sprout and grow into something great and beautiful. They may sprout briefly before being washed away. They may not even grow at all. The result will depend on how both of us — you and me — treat them.
Sincerely,
Me.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
09 February 2010
If I were to choose a movie that best describes the story of my life, it would be…
…(500) Days of Summer. At some point during this week, I have got to write about this movie. Might as well be now.
!!SPOILER ALERT!!
If you have not yet seen, but wish to see the movie (500) Days of Summer, please refrain from reading the main body of this post.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
The other day, I finally got to see (500) Days of Summer, and I thought to myself at several times during the movie. These thoughts I was thinking were all along the lines of, “Wow. I’ve been through that myself.” I really felt sympathetic with the Tom character. Tom is in love with Summer. Summer “just wants to be friends” with Tom, despite doing things together that fall outside the typical activities which a woman who is “just a friend” of a man would do. For example, a make-out session in the copy room at the office, or going on a date to IKEA, and pretending they live there, or more intimate activities that a “family friendly” blog ought not to discuss.
While my life obviously does not have an omniscient narrator or a kid sister to take and reject advice from, I have had an abundance of women who could fill the role of Summer if I were Tom.
There were times where I thought that reality would align with my expectations of a relationship which, in the end, never reached those expectations. Not even close.
There was even one time, when something did seem to go according to plan, that it seemed that any fountain would come alive at my passing (were it not close to winter time, and had I chosen to walk past said fountain after the event occurred, it might as well have).
There was even one “Summer” who wound up essentially like Summer in the movie. (I wrote about her last year, though only those to whom I give permission to read that writing may do so.)
At the end of the movie (the 500th day of Summer), after moping about his loss of Summer, then deciding to quit his job as a greeting card writer and become an architect, meets a woman who was interviewing for an architect job. She says she has noticed him from the park bench he calls his favorite spot. They start up a conversation, and discover they have a lot in common. As Tom is being called in to be interviewed, he asks if she’s interested in getting together after the interview. She eventually agrees. As Tom walks to the interview room, we cut away to a title card, which clicks over to (1), indicating the first day of Autumn.
That’s where the story ends, but the story of my life continues. As it turns out, as I move on, it seems that those “Autumns” are more like “Summers,” but more like “lesser Summers.” There’s less emotional investment, less damage done when I’m shoved off into Friend Zone purgatory, or the Outer Darkness of the Acquaintance Zone.
!! SPOILER Ends Here
Okay, so (500) Days of Summer isn’t a scene-by-scene story of my life (especially with its non-linear presentation), but it’s close enough for me to say that it’s a movie that can be used to describe it. If I were to choose a movie that best describes the story of my life, it would be that one. Of course, names, faces, places, stories, and things like that would be changed to more accurately portray my story, but it would be pretty much the same. Though the sequels (yes, there would be sequels) would be pretty much almost identical to the original.
!!SPOILER ALERT!!
If you have not yet seen, but wish to see the movie (500) Days of Summer, please refrain from reading the main body of this post.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!
The other day, I finally got to see (500) Days of Summer, and I thought to myself at several times during the movie. These thoughts I was thinking were all along the lines of, “Wow. I’ve been through that myself.” I really felt sympathetic with the Tom character. Tom is in love with Summer. Summer “just wants to be friends” with Tom, despite doing things together that fall outside the typical activities which a woman who is “just a friend” of a man would do. For example, a make-out session in the copy room at the office, or going on a date to IKEA, and pretending they live there, or more intimate activities that a “family friendly” blog ought not to discuss.
While my life obviously does not have an omniscient narrator or a kid sister to take and reject advice from, I have had an abundance of women who could fill the role of Summer if I were Tom.
There were times where I thought that reality would align with my expectations of a relationship which, in the end, never reached those expectations. Not even close.
There was even one time, when something did seem to go according to plan, that it seemed that any fountain would come alive at my passing (were it not close to winter time, and had I chosen to walk past said fountain after the event occurred, it might as well have).
There was even one “Summer” who wound up essentially like Summer in the movie. (I wrote about her last year, though only those to whom I give permission to read that writing may do so.)
At the end of the movie (the 500th day of Summer), after moping about his loss of Summer, then deciding to quit his job as a greeting card writer and become an architect, meets a woman who was interviewing for an architect job. She says she has noticed him from the park bench he calls his favorite spot. They start up a conversation, and discover they have a lot in common. As Tom is being called in to be interviewed, he asks if she’s interested in getting together after the interview. She eventually agrees. As Tom walks to the interview room, we cut away to a title card, which clicks over to (1), indicating the first day of Autumn.
That’s where the story ends, but the story of my life continues. As it turns out, as I move on, it seems that those “Autumns” are more like “Summers,” but more like “lesser Summers.” There’s less emotional investment, less damage done when I’m shoved off into Friend Zone purgatory, or the Outer Darkness of the Acquaintance Zone.
!! SPOILER Ends Here
Okay, so (500) Days of Summer isn’t a scene-by-scene story of my life (especially with its non-linear presentation), but it’s close enough for me to say that it’s a movie that can be used to describe it. If I were to choose a movie that best describes the story of my life, it would be that one. Of course, names, faces, places, stories, and things like that would be changed to more accurately portray my story, but it would be pretty much the same. Though the sequels (yes, there would be sequels) would be pretty much almost identical to the original.
06 February 2010
It's that time of year again…
It’s that time of year again. And this time, things are going to be a bit different.That’s right, it’s time for another Unrequited Love Awareness Week (ULAW), a week where I go on about the all too common phenomenon of people not liking you the way you like them.
I say that things are a bit different this time for two reasons. First, ULAW runs during the week before Valentine’s Day, not starting on Valentine’s Day. Second, I’ve gone through a bit of research regarding the phenomenon.
Let’s start with the media. Love, both ideals and fantasies regarding it, exist in the media. Music, TV shows, movies, etc. It’s everywhere.
Even in iTunes, there’s a Valentine’s Day section, listing off various titles categorized as “love stories.” Films like Casablanca, The Notebook, 13 Going On 30, A Walk to Remember, and many others. This week is not about any of that kind of story. There are numerous songs about love. One musician who essentially got thrust into the spotlight this past year is Taylor Swift, who released a single called “Love Story,” which compares a relationship to that of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.
This week is not about songs like “Love Story” or movies like Casablanca. It’s more about songs like Taylor Swift’s other recent big song “You Belong with Me” and movies like (500) Days of Summer. Unrequited love is almost as universal as love itself.
I say “almost” because, well, one Halloween, I dressed up as unrequited love. It wasn’t much of a costume, it was just a picture of the two hearts, as you see them in the illustration accompanying this post, along with the label, “It stinks!” beneath it. I went to a Halloween party in this get-up, and as usual, people would ask me what I was. I was a bit surprised at the number of people who, upon my telling them that I was unrequited love, would reply, “What’s that?” Frankly, I am surprised that there is anyone in their mid- to late-20s who hasn’t heard of it. Perhaps many have experienced it, but didn’t know there was a name for it.
That’s the whole idea behind ULAW. Its intent is to make people aware of it, so that they recognize it when they themselves are unfortunate enough to be in the middle of it. Everyone will go through it at least once in their lives. Those who don’t are either extremely sheltered, or just plain “go buy a lottery ticket” lucky.
This… is Unrequited Love Awareness Week!
20 February 2009
You Thought I Forgot? The Conclusion.
Actually, I was busy uploading videos to YouTube, but anyway, to close out Unrequited Love Awareness Week (ULAW), I'll just hit you with the link to the Wikipedia page, and a few more things.
First, the link to Wikipedia.
Next, a few reasons why I blogged about ULAW this week.
There. That's a few reasons why I started this. Hopefully, next year will be different. I really wouldn't mind a good cuddle every now and then.
First, the link to Wikipedia.
Next, a few reasons why I blogged about ULAW this week.
- Unrequited Love Sucks!
- Unrequited Love deprives the sufferer of necessary human emotions.
- Unrequited Love can lead to depression, and no antidepressant can cure it.
- Unrequited Love can affect future relationships, for the victim can live in fear of losing the current partner.
- Unrequited Love is the least desirable of feelings.
- Valentine's Day is the bane of all sufferers of Unrequited Love. Since the day is filled with expressions of romantic love (ἔρως eros), the sufferer commonly feels left out.
There. That's a few reasons why I started this. Hopefully, next year will be different. I really wouldn't mind a good cuddle every now and then.
16 February 2009
What Am I Doing Wrong?
I recently replied to a friend's status on Facebook, stating my previous claim that the only kind of love that matters on Valentine's Day is romantic love (or ἔρως, eros, as the Greeks call it). She replied that if the only kind of love that matters to a person on V-day is romantic, then they're doing something wrong on the other days of the year. I thought about this statement for a moment. I then discovered that something that was wrong. It's three little words that construct a single phrase: "Not Getting Any." While the rest of the English-speaking world may refer to "not getting any" in a sexual context, I use it here in a much broader context.
The context in which I use this phrase is the same one that all sufferers of unrequited love are associated with. They give, but they don't receive. They show their love, affection, and desire to further the relationship towards a person, but that person doesn't give any back in return. In other words, the lover doesn't get any back from the beloved.
The progression of love in a relationship, using the Greek language (I'm just loving the Greek language right now.) is first, ἀγάπη, agape, the general love one towards another. A respect for other people which has nothing to do with being friends or lovers, just the fact that that other person is a fellow human being. The next stage is φιλία, philia, a more familiar relationship. This relationship is had between friends and family. It's that "brotherly love" that people with close ties to each other have for each other. Finally, there's ἔρως, eros, the passionate love that is most commonly seen (in conjunction with φιλία) between boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, and other such couples, showing their affection toward each other publicly. It needn't be sexual, just romantic.
"Not getting any" comes when one wants to transition the relationship from φιλία to ἔρως, or introduce more of the latter into an existing relationship. Situation: A guy wants to further his relationship with a girl he's been interested in for a while. He has had various opportunities to hang out with her and a group of mutual friends, but he now desires a more "one-on-one" type of relationship. He wants a bit of ἔρως thrown into the mix. He asks her to go out on a date with him. Now several things can happen here. If she turns him down, it's devistating for him, especially if he was genuinely attracted to her. If she says yes, it can mean one of two things. It could mean that she genuinely has an interest in him (in which case, more ἔρως can safely enter the relationship), or she just doesn't have the heart in her to flat out say no and hurt his feelings. If the latter is the case, this leads him on to thinking that the relationship is progressing, but in reality, she's just doing it to be nice. This may eventually lead to the "Let's just be friends" discussion, which basically destroys him more than just saying no to him when he first asked. It's like making an investment in the stock market. If she accepts the date invitation, it's like the price of his emotional stock is rising. It's a bull market for him. But when she says, "Let's just be friends," the stock makes a spectacular crash. (Like the price of a share of Google (GOOG) dropping from $350 to $0.01 in the time it takes for her to utter that phrase.)
I have had situations like this numerous times in my life, but there was one who transformed my emotional investment from the hottest stock on the market to a penny stock almost instantly. More on that later.
The context in which I use this phrase is the same one that all sufferers of unrequited love are associated with. They give, but they don't receive. They show their love, affection, and desire to further the relationship towards a person, but that person doesn't give any back in return. In other words, the lover doesn't get any back from the beloved.
The progression of love in a relationship, using the Greek language (I'm just loving the Greek language right now.) is first, ἀγάπη, agape, the general love one towards another. A respect for other people which has nothing to do with being friends or lovers, just the fact that that other person is a fellow human being. The next stage is φιλία, philia, a more familiar relationship. This relationship is had between friends and family. It's that "brotherly love" that people with close ties to each other have for each other. Finally, there's ἔρως, eros, the passionate love that is most commonly seen (in conjunction with φιλία) between boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife, and other such couples, showing their affection toward each other publicly. It needn't be sexual, just romantic.
"Not getting any" comes when one wants to transition the relationship from φιλία to ἔρως, or introduce more of the latter into an existing relationship. Situation: A guy wants to further his relationship with a girl he's been interested in for a while. He has had various opportunities to hang out with her and a group of mutual friends, but he now desires a more "one-on-one" type of relationship. He wants a bit of ἔρως thrown into the mix. He asks her to go out on a date with him. Now several things can happen here. If she turns him down, it's devistating for him, especially if he was genuinely attracted to her. If she says yes, it can mean one of two things. It could mean that she genuinely has an interest in him (in which case, more ἔρως can safely enter the relationship), or she just doesn't have the heart in her to flat out say no and hurt his feelings. If the latter is the case, this leads him on to thinking that the relationship is progressing, but in reality, she's just doing it to be nice. This may eventually lead to the "Let's just be friends" discussion, which basically destroys him more than just saying no to him when he first asked. It's like making an investment in the stock market. If she accepts the date invitation, it's like the price of his emotional stock is rising. It's a bull market for him. But when she says, "Let's just be friends," the stock makes a spectacular crash. (Like the price of a share of Google (GOOG) dropping from $350 to $0.01 in the time it takes for her to utter that phrase.)
I have had situations like this numerous times in my life, but there was one who transformed my emotional investment from the hottest stock on the market to a penny stock almost instantly. More on that later.
15 February 2009
Valentine's Day: It's All About Eros
Yesterday, I went to Red Lobster with my family. The first words out of our server's mouth were, "Happy Valentine's Day." I reply, "What's there to be happy about?" This is my general attitude toward the day. Everywhere I look, I see couples going around to restaurants, movie theaters, parks, anywhere else that's public, obviously showing their affection towards each other. My reason for asking, "What's there to be happy about?" is simple. Valentine's Day, in its current form, is a celebration of love. Not just any kind of love, mind you, but a specific type of love: Romantic love. I am of the opinion that romantic love is the only kind of love that matters on Valentine's Day. Since I am not currently in a relationship, I do not have that outlet to which I can share requited romantic love, and so I am frustrated at the fact that others are getting it while I am not. It's like the kid in a candy store who, while in line to buy some candy, is continuously being passed over. While everyone else in the store is getting candy, the kid has been skipped and overlooked so many times, he has no choice but to leave the store visibly upset.
Every time I see a couple, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, with the couple visibly happy with each other, I think to myself, "I want that," referring to the relationship and the obvious status thereof. It just bugs me that I have been, up to this point, unable to obtain that. All my relationship experience has consisted of love unrequited. You know, "I love her, but she doesn't love me," or "She sees me as nothing more than a friend," or "Get away from me before I file a restraining order against you," things like that. (Although I must say that I have never heard that last one used against me.)
If there was more than one word in the English language used to identify a certain type of love. The Greek language has at least three. At least, these three are the big ones:
First is Philia (φιλία), which means friendship in modern Greek. It's a love without passion. "It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity," according to Wikipedia. This word is the root word for the name of the city of Philadelphia.
Next is Agapē (ἀγάπη), which is more of a general love. The above-linked Wikipedia page says, "It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. The verb appears in the New Testament describing, amongst other things, the relationship between Jesus and the beloved disciple....The Christian sense of the term expands the original Greek sense and encompasses a total commitment or self-sacrificial love for the thing loved. A great deal of Christian theology is indebted to the frequency of this word and its interpretation in the New Testament."
The final one of the Big Three Greek Words for Love is Eros (ἔρως), which is a passionate love. "Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage." It does not have to be sexual in nature (the English word "erotic" comes directly from this Greek word), but it has to be more than just philia. This kind of love is what Valentine's Day is categorized to be about.
While you can demonstrate Agapē love to almost anyone you see on the street, and have Philia love for your friends, it's this Eros love that makes Valentine's Day special for almost everyone.
As a relationship matures, there may be a shift in the balance of the types of love between the couple. However, on Valentine's Day, it's all about eros. Those who want eros, but can't get eros tend to end up not liking the day much. Those who want eros with someone who only wants philia with that person is even worse, as he is the victim of what we call, "Unrequited Love."
Every time I see a couple, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, with the couple visibly happy with each other, I think to myself, "I want that," referring to the relationship and the obvious status thereof. It just bugs me that I have been, up to this point, unable to obtain that. All my relationship experience has consisted of love unrequited. You know, "I love her, but she doesn't love me," or "She sees me as nothing more than a friend," or "Get away from me before I file a restraining order against you," things like that. (Although I must say that I have never heard that last one used against me.)
If there was more than one word in the English language used to identify a certain type of love. The Greek language has at least three. At least, these three are the big ones:
First is Philia (φιλία), which means friendship in modern Greek. It's a love without passion. "It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity," according to Wikipedia. This word is the root word for the name of the city of Philadelphia.
Next is Agapē (ἀγάπη), which is more of a general love. The above-linked Wikipedia page says, "It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. The verb appears in the New Testament describing, amongst other things, the relationship between Jesus and the beloved disciple....The Christian sense of the term expands the original Greek sense and encompasses a total commitment or self-sacrificial love for the thing loved. A great deal of Christian theology is indebted to the frequency of this word and its interpretation in the New Testament."
The final one of the Big Three Greek Words for Love is Eros (ἔρως), which is a passionate love. "Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage." It does not have to be sexual in nature (the English word "erotic" comes directly from this Greek word), but it has to be more than just philia. This kind of love is what Valentine's Day is categorized to be about.
While you can demonstrate Agapē love to almost anyone you see on the street, and have Philia love for your friends, it's this Eros love that makes Valentine's Day special for almost everyone.
As a relationship matures, there may be a shift in the balance of the types of love between the couple. However, on Valentine's Day, it's all about eros. Those who want eros, but can't get eros tend to end up not liking the day much. Those who want eros with someone who only wants philia with that person is even worse, as he is the victim of what we call, "Unrequited Love."
14 February 2009
"Happy" Unrequited Love Awareness Week!
There are many names associated with unrequited love: Cyrano de Bergerac, Don Quixote, Charlie Brown, the list goes on. But nothing could be more crushing to the heart of an individual than to be the victim of unrequited love. The numbers are unknown to me at this point, but I would think that millions of people around the world – both men and women, but mostly men – suffer from loving someone who does not love them back. I have experienced this feeling numerous times, and I can, without any hesitation, declare that unrequited love stinks. That's why I declare this week – February 14th through February 20th – to be Unrequited Love Awareness Week. It is a week to recognize those among us who may be suffering from this heartbreaking predicament, and perhaps help them get out of it by showing them what everyone in this world needs: A relationship where romance is a mutually contributing factor.
Also take note that while suffering from Unrequited Love is a negative feeling, the only word in the English language which recognizes the observance of some event or holiday is the word Happy. So, while the idea itself is a negative one which brings much unhappiness, observance of a recognition of such an idea with an attempt to seek out and help those who may be suffering from it can cause much happiness to all involved. Therefore, I put the word Happy in quotation marks, to indicate that the idea being recognized is, in and of itself not one that brings happiness.
As for the timing of this observance, well, Valentine's Day is the perfect day to recognize it, since with all the requited lovers out there, almost none of them recognize that there are still those who feel left out or excluded in something that all should be happily participating in (unless, of course, they don't want it, but that's another story). Maybe next year, I'll move it so that it ends on Valentine's Day (Feb. 8-14), to make it a goal for those unrequiteds to shake it on V-day.
As for this lowly blog, each day I'll try to find something to write about.