My Favorite Quotes from Portal 2

Two weeks ago, Valve released Portal 2, the sequel to their popular game Portal. I gotta hand it to the writers at Valve. They've come up with some great gameplay, and some awesome quotes. In this post, I will list some of my favorite quotes from the game. Before we start however, keep in mind that not everyone has completed the game, as I have. Therefore, I am throwing up a huge SPOILER ALERT warning. If you are interested in playing this game, and have not yet done so, or if you couldn't care less about Portal or Portal 2, or video games in general, stop reading this post, and go to some of my others and read those, as they're relatively spoiler-free. If you have completed the single-player Portal 2 campaign, feel free to read on, by clicking on the title of this post.

I'm going to list the quotes and divide them, according to the chapters they are found in. They will be arranged in the general order of appearance in the game. I should also note that during a portion of the game, starting at the end of Chapter 5, GLaDOS is stuffed into a potato. I have seen many names floating around the interwebs referring to GLaDOS in potato form. Namely, GLaDOS (as if nothing happened to her), Potato GLaDOS, and PotatOS. For the purpose of this list, I'll refer to GLaDOS' quotes in this portion of the game as coming from GLaDOS-P.
Also, please note that the game is rated E10+ for fantasy violence and mild language. The dialogue has some occasional use of the words hell and damn, and a couple of instances of the word bloody from Wheatley. As these words are not censored on broadcast radio or television in the United States, they are presented in this list as they appear in the game.
The list will commence in three... two... one.
CHAPTER 1 – The Courtesy Call
1. Announcer: You should now feel mentally reinvigorated. If you suspect staring at art has not provided the required intellectual sustenance, reflect briefly on this classical music. [MUSIC INTERRUPTED BY BUZZER]
2. Wheatley: Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage.
3. Announcer: Cube- and button-based testing remains an important tool for science, even in a dire emergency. If cube- and button-based testing caused this emergency, don't worry. The odds of this happening twice are very slim.
4. Announcer: This next test applies the principles of momentum to movement through portals. If the laws of physics no longer apply in the future, God help you.
5. Announcer: Good work getting this far, future-starter! That said, if you are simple-minded, old, or irradiated in such a way that the future should not start with you, please return to your primitive tribe and send back someone better-qualified for testing.
6.
GLaDOS: Oh... It's you.
Wheatley: You KNOW her?
GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. You know, after you MURDERED ME.
Wheatley: You did WHAT?
…
GLaDOS: Okay. Look. We both said a lot of things that you're going to regret. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.
CHAPTER 2 – The Cold Boot
7. GLaDOS: I have the results of the last chamber: You are a horrible person. That's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that.
8. GLaDOS: Remember before when I was talking about smelly garbage standing around being useless? That was a metaphor. I was actually talking about you. And I'm sorry. You didn't react at the time, so I was worried it sailed right over your head. Which would have made this apology seem insane. That's why I had to call you garbage a second time just now.
9.
[You reach for a Weighted Companion Cube. It disintegrates.]
GLaDOS: Oh. Did I accidentally fizzle that before you could complete the test? I'm sorry. Go ahead and grab another one.
[Another Companion Cube drops down. You grab it and attempt to put it in the path of a nearby laser, when it disintegrates.]
GLaDOS: Oh. No. I fizzled that one too. Oh well. We have warehouses FULL of the things. Absolutely worthless. I'm happy to get rid of them.
10. GLaDOS [After disintegrating the third Companion Cube at the elevator room of the test chamber exit]: I think that one was about to say 'I love you.' They ARE sentient, of course. We just have a LOT of them.
11. GLaDOS: Wait. This next test DOES require some explanation. Let me give you the fast version. [fast gibberish] There. If you have any questions, just remember what I said in slow motion. Test on your own recognizance, I'll be right back.
NOTE: The "fast gibberish" is actually a quote from the beginning of Herman Melville's novel The Whale: "and methodically knocking people's hats off - then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can." The quote is sped up to about 4 or 5 times the normal speaking rate.
CHAPTER 3 – The Return
12. GLaDOS: Look at you. Sailing through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp.
13. GLaDOS: Excellent! You're a predator and these tests are your prey. Speaking of which, I was researching sharks for an upcoming test. Do you know who else murders people who are only trying to help them? Did you guess 'sharks'? Because that's wrong. The correct answer is 'nobody.' Nobody but you is that pointlessly cruel.
14. Wheatley: I found some bird eggs up here. Just dropped 'em into the door mechanism. Shut it right down. I--AGH! BIRD! BIRD! BIRD! BIRD! [leaves the room, then returns, out of breath] Okay. That's probably the bird, isn't it? That laid the eggs! Livid!
15. GLaDOS: Well done. In fact, you did so well, I'm going to note this on your file, in the commendations section. Oh, there's lots of room here. 'Did.... well. ... Enough.'
16. GLaDOS: That jumpsuit you're wearing looks stupid. That's not me talking, it's right here in your file. On other people it looks fine, but right here a scientist has noted that on you it looks 'stupid.' Well, what does a neck-bearded old engineer know about fashion? He probably - Oh, wait. It's a she. Still, what does she know? Oh wait, it says she has a medical degree. In fashion! From France!
CHAPTER 4 – The Surprise
17.
[You enter a room illuminated with a single spotlight, which goes dark when you step into the light]
GLaDOS: Initiating surprise in three... two... one. [The lights come on]
GLaDOS: I made it all up. [Blows noisemaker]
GLaDOS: Surprise. [beat] Oh come on... If it makes you feel any better, they abandoned you at birth, so I very seriously doubt they'd even want to see you.
18. Wheatley: What? Jerry, you can't fire me for that! Yes, JERRY -- OR, maybe your prejudiced worksite should have accommodated a nanobot of my size. Thanks for the hate crime, Jer! See you in court, mate.
19. GLaDOS: I thought about our dilemma, and I came up with a solution that I honestly think works out best for one of both of us.
20.
Wheatley [in an American accent]: Hey, buddy! I'm speaking in an accent that is beyond her range of hearing. I know I'm early, but we have to go right NOW! Walk casually toward my position and we'll go shut her down.
GLaDOS: Look - metal ball, I CAN hear you.
Wheatley [normal voice]: Run! I don't need to do the voice. RUN!
CHAPTER 5 – The Escape
21. Wheatley: Oh for... They told me if I ever turned this flashlight on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.
22. Wheatley: Here's an interesting story. I almost got a job down here in Manufacturing. Guess who the foreman went with? Only an exact duplicate of himself. Nepotism. Ended up giving me the WORST possible job: tending to all the smelly humans. The... um... sorry... I wouldn't say smelly. Just attending to the humans. Sorry. That just slipped out. A bit insensitive. Umm... The smelly humans...
23. Announcer: Turret redemption lines are not rides, please exit the turret redemption line.
24.
[After picking up the Oracle Turret on the Turret Redemption Line]: Turret: Thank you! Get mad! Don't make lemonade! Prometheus was punished by the gods for giving the gift of knowledge to man. He was cast into the bowels of the earth and pecked by birds. It won't be enough. The answer is beneath us. Her name is Caroline. Remember that! That's all I can say. Don't forget!
25. Defective Turret: Uhhhh... Blam! Blam blam blam! I'm not defective!
26. Defective Turret: Hey! Squeaky-voice! Gimme some of your bullets!
27. Defective Turret: Can I get some bullets here? Anybody got bullets?
28. Defective Turret: Yeah. Clickety click click. Right on the money.
29. Defective Turret: Identify yourself or I will shoot. [Dry fire] Uhhh, no bullets. Sorry.
30.
Announcer: Template
Turret: Hello?
Announcer: Response
Defective Turret: [imitating good turret] Hello. Hello. Hel-- [normal voice] Aw, crap... [rejected] Ah, come on!
31.
Announcer: Template
Defective Turret: Hello!
Announcer: Response
Defective Turret: So... we're all supposed to be blind, then, right? It's not just me? Alright, fantastic.
32.
Announcer: Template
Defective Turret: Hello!
Announcer: Response
Turret: Hello. [rejected] I did everything you asked!
33. Announcer: Warning! Neurotoxin pressure has reached dangerously unlethal levels.
34. GLaDOS: If I'd known you'd let yourself get captured this easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg on a rope from the ceiling.
35. GLaDOS: I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
36. Wheatley: And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now! Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual. I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out!
37.
GLaDOS-P: You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Wheatley: I am NOT! A! MORON!
GLaDOS-P: YES YOU ARE! YOU'RE THE MORON THEY BUILT TO MAKE ME AN IDIOT!
Wheatley: Well, how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON? Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT? Uh oh.
CHAPTER 6 – The Fall
38. GLaDOS-P: Oh, Hi. So, how are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO.
39. Cave Johnson: Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news. Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts.
40. Cave Johnson: Alright, let's get started. This first test involves something the lab boys call 'repulsion gel.' You're not part of the control group, by the way. You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha. All joking aside, that did happen - broke every bone in his legs. Tragic. But informative. Or so I'm told.
41. Cave Johnson: The lab boys just informed me that I should not have mentioned the control group. They're telling me I oughtta stop making these pre-recorded messages. That gave me an idea: make more pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills here, I can talk about the control group all damn day.
42. Cave Johnson: All these science spheres are made of asbestos, by the way. Keeps out the rats. Let us know if you feel a shortness of breath, a persistent dry cough or your heart stopping. Because that's not part of the test. That's asbestos. Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of 44.6 years, so if you're 30 or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries. I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.
43. Cave Johnson: If you're hearing this, it means you're taking a long time on the catwalks between tests. The lab boys say that might be a fear reaction. I'm no psychiatrist, but coming from a bunch of eggheads who wouldn't recognize the thrill of danger if it walked up and snapped their little pink bras, that sounds like 'projection'. THEY didn't fly into space, storm a beach, or bring back the gold. No sir, we did! It's you and me against the world, son! I like your grit! Hustle could use some work, though. Now let's solve this thing!
44. Cave Johnson: Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much? In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you on the butt on the way out, because you are fired! Not you, test subject, you're doing fine. Yes, you! Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye!
45.
Cave Johnson: We're not gonna release this stuff into the wild until it's good and damn ready, so as long as you keep yourself in top physical form, there'll always be a limo waiting for you. Say goodbye, Caroline.
Caroline: Goodbye, Caroline.
Cave Johnson: She is a gem.
46.
Cave Johnson: Greetings, friend. I'm Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. You might know us as a vital participant in the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing astronauts. And you've most likely used one of the many products we invented. But that other people have somehow managed to steal from us. Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt--
Caroline: Sir, the testing?
Cave Johnson: Right. Now, you might be asking yourself, 'Cave, just how difficult are these tests? What was in that phone book of a contract I signed? Am I in danger?' Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make $60? Cash. You can also feel free to relax for up to 20 minutes in the waiting room, which is a damn sight more comfortable than the park benches most of you were sleeping on when we found you.
47. GLaDOS-P: I can't move. And unless you're planning to saw your own head off and wedge it into my old body, you're going to need me to replace him. We're at an impasse.
48: GLaDOS-P: Look, I don't like this any more than you do. In fact, I like it less because I'm the one who got partially eaten by a bird.
49. GLaDOS-P: OW! You stabbed me! What is WRONG with yo-WhoOOAAahhh.
CHAPTER 7 – The Reunion
50.
Cave Johnson: The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks.
GLaDOS-P: Hold on, who-?
Cave Johnson: Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
Caroline & GLaDOS-P: Yes sir, Mister Johnson.
GLaDOS-P: Why did I just-- Who is that? What the HELL is going on he--?
51. Cave Johnson: This on? [taps mic] Hey. Listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator. Not a bathroom.
52. Cave Johnson: For many of you, I realize $60 is an unprecedented windfall, so don't go spending it all on... I don't know. Caroline, what do these people buy? Tattered hats? Beard dirt?
53. GlaDOS-P: Caroline... why do I know this woman? Maybe I killed her? Or-- Oh my god.
54. GLaDOS-P: Agh! Bird! Bird! Kill it! It's evil!
55.
Cave Johnson: All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons? Don't make lemonade.
GLaDOS-P: Yeah.
Cave Johnson: Make life take the lemons back!
GLaDOS-P: Yeah!
Cave Johnson: Get mad!
GLaDOS-P: Yeah!
Cave Johnson: 'I don't want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?'
GLaDOS-P: Yeah, take the lemons...
Cave Johnson: Demand to see life's manager!
GLaDOS-P: Yeah!
Cave Johnson: Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons!
GLaDOS-P: Oh, I like this guy.
Cave Johnson: I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
GLaDOS-P: BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN!
Cave Johnson: [coughs]
GLaDOS-P: Burning people! He says what we're all thinking!
Cave Johnson: The point is: If we can store music on a compact disc, why can't we store a man's intelligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that out now. Brain Mapping. Artificial Intelligence. We should have been working on it thirty years ago. I will say this - and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place. [cough] Now she'll argue. She'll say she can't. She's modest like that. But you make her! [cough] Hell, put her in my computer. I don't care. Allright, test's over. [cough] You can head on back to your desk.
56. GLaDOS-P: If we're going to explode, let's at least explode with some dignity.
CHAPTER 8 – The Itch
57. Wheatley: For God's sake, you're boxes! With legs! It is literally your only purpose! Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?
58. GLaDOS-P: This... sentence... is... FALSE! Don't think about it, don't think about it...
59.
Wheatley: It's alright! Everything's good. I just invented some more tests!
GLaDOS-P: This is one of MY tests!
Wheatley: Not entirely, not entirely. Look at the word 'test', on the wall there. That's brand new.
60.
Wheatley: Oh! Yes. Well done.
GLaDOS-P: Thanks! All we had to do was pull that lever.
Wheatley: What? No, you pressed that bAGGGHHHHHH
GLaDOS-P: Heh heh heh heh heh... I know we're in a lot of trouble and probably about to die, but that was worth it.
61. Wheatley: You know, there are test subjects in Africa who don't even have monitors in their test chambers. Why don't you think of that before you break any more of them?
CHAPTER 9 – The Part Where He Kills You
62.
GLaDOS-P: Agghh! Well. This is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley: Hello! This is the part where I kill you.
On-screen text: Chapter 9: The Part Where He Kills You
If playing this portion of the game for the first time, you also earn an achievement: "The Part Where He Kills You."
63. Wheatley: Um. You've got a yacht. And... Boys! Loads of fellas. Hunky guys down there. Possibly even a boyfriend! Who's to say at this stage. But, a lot of good looking fellas down there. And, ah, a boy band as well! That haven't seen a woman in years. And they're not picky at all. They don't care if you've got a bit of brain damage. If you've been running around sweating. And... A farm! A pony farm! And... Just jump down, would ya?
64. Wheatley: Ha! Was that your bullet-riddled body, flying out of the room? It was- aww, those were the crap turrets, weren't they? Yeah... Well, no matter. Because I'm STILL holding all the cards, and guess what: they're all Full Houses! I've never played cards. Meaning to learn. Anyway, new turrets. Not defective. Ace of fours. The best hand. Unbeatable, I imagine.
65. Well... Good. Good. Finally, a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. Holmes versus Moriarty. Aristotle versus Mashy Spike Plate!
66. GLaDOS-P: Look, even if you think we're still enemies, we're enemies with a common interest: Revenge. You like revenge, right? Everybody likes revenge. Well, let's go get some.
67. Space Core: Space space wanna go to space
68. Adventure Core: Man, that clock is moving fast. And you are beautiful. Always time to compliment a pretty lady. All right, back to work. Let's do this.
69. Fact Core: If you have trouble with simple counting, use the following mnemonic device: one comes before two comes before 60 comes after 12 comes before six trillion comes after 504. This will make your earlier counting difficulties seem like no big deal.
70. Fact Core: The Schrödinger's cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrödinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.
71.
Announcer: Substitute Core: Are you ready to start?
GLaDOS-P: Yes! Come on!
Announcer: Corrupted Core: are you ready to start?
Wheatley: What do you think?
Announcer: Interpreting vague answer as YES.
Wheatley: No! No! NO NO NO! Didn't pick up on my sarcasm...
72.
Wheatley: AH! SPACE! Let go! We're in space!
Space Core: Space? SPACE! SPAAAAAAACE!
Wheatley: Let go! Let go! I'm still connected. I can pull myself in. I can still fix this!
GLaDOS: I already fixed it, and you are NOT coming back!
Wheatley: Oh, no. Change of plans! Hold onto me! Tighter! [knocked away] AH! Grab me grab me grab me! Grab meeee!
EPILOGUE
73.
GLaDOS: You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I thought you were my greatest enemy. When all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.
Announcer: Caroline deleted.
GLaDOS: Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson. The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go. It's been fun. Don't come back.
74. Space Core: So much space. Need to see it all. (excited gasps)
75 of 19: Did I miss something? Was there a favorite quote of yours I missed? Let me know in the comments.